Sam was born on May 17, 2000. I was in an abusive relationship with his father and I fled to an abuse shelter. I was eight months pregnant when Mina and I walked through the doors of the Alternatives for Battered Woman's shelter. Two weeks later I went into labor. Mina and I together walked through those shelter doors again with Sam after he was born. Two weeks later they kicked me out. The shelter was upset with me because I refused to live in the city of Rochester. Mina was in Kindergarten and there was no way that she would go to the Rochester City School District. The apartment that I wanted was here in Greece and there was some wait time. Mina and I moved in with my Mom and Dad two hours away from Rochester to wait for an opening.
During this time I applied for custody of Sam. Sam's Dad also applied for custody on the grounds I was Mentally Ill. I sat in the courthouse listening to the lawyer talk about how dangerous it was for a mom with a Mental Illness to have custody of a child. I had to go through psychological testing with a deranged man who told the lawyer that I was a horrible Mom but he couldn't find anything wrong with me. The first day of court was the first day I started writing my book and I was hell bent that I was going to live the rest of my days helping parents with psychiatric disabilities keep custody of their kids. The thing that gets me about the whole dang thing is that nobody wanted to listen that I had a daughter at home that excelled and that I was abused. Sam's Dad and I have joint custody and I have Primary Residence.
I drove every other day back and forth to court, four hours a day four times a week, from my parent's house. I had to drive an extra day on Saturdays for Sam's Dad to have visitation. I had a little baby in the back and I had to leave Mina with my parents. I did this for three months. It was a happy day for me when we moved into our apartment in Greece until I made the mistake of introducing myself to the Moms. Mina made friends with these Mom's kids and the Moms decided that I didn't belong and they wanted me out. I was Mom Bullied for four straight years. They screamed at me, they threatened to hurt me, they called the cops on Sam when he was 4 years old. These moms taught there little kids how to beat on Sam. They used to drop dirty dipers under my window and then call management. That is just a drop in a bucket compared to what else they did to me.
With all this confusion I noticed that something was up with Sam when he was six months old. I refuse to say that something was wrong with him because that is not how I chose to look at the situation. Sam screamed continuously and he never slept. My one friend that I did have always said that Sam didn't make eye contact. There were many many things that showed me that Sam was different from Mina.
With all these signs that Sam was different, I went to Sam's doctor. The doctor told me that it was my fault because I had a mental illness. Any intelligent person would say, "Well silly, go to a different Doctor." I was exhausted from little sleep and I didn't know where to go. I finally got Sam diagnosed when he was 3. The diagnosis was Autism. Our apartment had a balcony and Mina, Sam and I would hang out there. One day we were having a tea party and Sam took a beautiful picture of Mina and me when he was five. She had it developed and put it into a locket and gave it to me for Mother's Day. The other thing that sticks out for me was how people told me that I had to read Temple Grandin. My thoughts about that were, "Who the heck is Temple Grandin and why would anybody think I had time to read."
I continuously asked Management if they would move me and they refused to let me move to another section. Finally, another company bought the apartment complex and they planned for a huge renovation. Long story short, the renovation was completed and I moved into one of the town houses. The problem was is that they moved me way in the back where all the bad stuff happens. Everything came down at once. It was the fall of 2007. Sam was being kicked out of the Greece School District and he was hospitalized for sixteen days, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and the parents came to my house and told me that they gave their kids permission to hurt my child. As I watched them huddle to plan how to hurt him, I found a lawyer that helped me get housing assistance and all three of us moved into a house. We still live here today. It is a very nice home. It sits on an acre of land and there are no kids anywhere. Sam is safe.
While discussions were going back and forth on where Sam was going to go to school I started Chemo. I will never forget the day I started losing my hair. I was doing very well with my mental health and unfortunately after chemo I fell into a deep dark depression for over 2 years. I was hospitalized after my brother was in a serious car accident and they didn't think he would survive. I remember being pushed in a wheelchair everyday for radiation. Luckily the psych ward was at the same place I got my cancer treatments. Mina's Dad moved in with us so I wouldn't lose custody of my kids. My brother died shortly after.
Sam started school at a BOCES program and to this day rides 2 hours a day to school. I won't even start with the busing issue. I have been so darn frustrated because he stayed at a first grade level with every passing year. The school told me that they had to get the behaviors under control until they could start with academics. I don't really know how I survived but I will always remember coming out of what I call my "Cancer Coma" the first week of January 2010. I had gone to my psychiatrist every 30 days for over 2 years and I woke up that first week of January 2010 and I was ok. The fear was gone. I remember the first thing I did was watch the Ellen DeGeneres Show and wow did I laugh. My first laughter in over 2 years. I was addicted to that show because I was starved for laughter. I had the best time.
The one big thing that happened in January was that I walked into Blockbuster and I found the movie "Temple Grandin". It is so much easier to watch a movie than to read a book so I grabbed it. I sat down with Mina to watch it and for one and a half hours I jumped up and down pointing saying, "See! See! That's it! Yeah!" Mina was looking at me like I had completely lost it. Since then I have read every single book she has ever written. Her message is clear, "Find the talent and find the mentors." She says so much more but that message is her mantra.
This is what I did after I read Temple Grandin's work. I remembered that picture that he took when he was five years old. I remembered the complete meltdown at camp and I remembered that he calmed down after he hung out with the photographer. I remembered how he couldn't stop touching my phone while driving me nuts because all he wanted to do was take pictures. I remember thinking that I went through hell for a reason and it was time to get down to work. I had an idea and I poured over all the "Black Friday" ads and I bought him a Nikon Coolpix camera for Christmas 2011. It was a point and shoot camera. It was a $300 camera that I got for $200. My parents paid for it.
This was my idea. I talked with Joe, his Music Therapist, and I asked him if he would teach Sam how to hold the camera. I was going to make a facebook page, under my name, have him upload his photos and I would find friends and I would have them comment on his photos. Sam would read the comments to improve his reading skills.
This was his very first photo.
I thought it was pretty good. An then he took a picture of his sister with her guard rifle.
I thought that this one was pretty good too. And then he grabbed the camera that was in the car and took a picture while I was scrapping off the windshield.
This was the photo where Joe and I started scratching our heads. I personally think that Joe was scratching his head before this. I wasn't really sure what was happening. In February after he got his camera he took this picture.
When I tell people about Sam's photography some tell me, "Congratulations." I was first taken by surprise by this comment that I have heard a couple of times. I wasn't exactly sure what it meant. I now think it means, "Congratulations, you found the gift." It took years of questioning what I was doing. It took years of wondering if it was ever going to get better. It took years of begging for help and finally finding it. It took years to listen, watch, and learn. It took chances and putting myself out there and thinking outside the box.
Sam and I are walking this path together. I have no idea what the next chapter will be. I am so very happy I get to share our story with you. Thank you very much for making it to the end.
Sincerely,
Debra Pierce Bellare
*As of today, Sam is reading at a second grade level. I call this progress. It is only going to get better.
*Sam now has his own page at Snapshots by Sam Maloney.
*The background of this blog was a picture that Sam took while looking for Salmon.
